I am dreaming hopelessly
in a city by the Sea;
it’s taking me so long
to sing a simple song,
I don’t belong.
(City By The Sea, Terminal)
It’s interesting how bits and pieces of my early adolescence are beginning to surface again, after a strange age of quick adaption to false dreams.
I really wish to be reconnected with Germany, I want to live in Israel and stretch my visits across Europe. I am falling in love again with the culture of mid-Eastern Europe and would love to draw inspiration for some post-poned writing projects by living on the run there. This is more feasible than my Israel ambition… because I am a gentile, nearly-fluent in German (surprisingly after three years since learning it, it hasn’t left me), and well, I think I would be more accepted there.
This does not halt my strong, deep desire of living in Israel. This life I am coming to believe is an unbelievable dream, but I feel that because of its presence in my heart and thoughts, I am falling further away from G-D. This is only a personal conviction I am thinking and not quite feeling. However right now, I could honestly care less, because I know that whether this is a life of sin or coming to grace, everything is as it should be, and I take responsibility for my heart’s passions.
I saw a movie called The Debt recently… and this helped me realize my embedded and lost vigor for Europe’s beauty.
It is about three Israeli Mossad agents who were tasked with infiltrating East Germany in 1966 to capture a Nazi war criminal, named the Surgeon of Birkenau, and discreetly kidnap him for trial in Israel. The agents, one woman and two men, undergo the thrilling operation by deceiving the surgeon in his contemporary gynecology office by using the woman as an undercover patient. The creepiness is eerie. Once the criminal is kidnapped in an undercover ambulance heist, their hiding in a temporary tenant gives a sense of claustrophobic enclosure, and with obvious bouts of sexual tension between the stressed operatives. It is a thought-provoking movie.
I do think that taking a trip to Europe would be a wonderful idea, but it would serve me no good right now. I would much rather make such a trip through a college and put it toward my education rather than making an aimless venture… as delightful as that sounds. One day.