As time draws short, it is natural for a spark of worriment to ignite and have one question himself and what he truly wants to do in his life. And in actuality, I am not at that point of deciding quite yet, only because I don’t know what will unfold, what events will change me, or where HaShem is leading me; I only know right now my predicament and emotions.

As I grow, I am becoming more, and more drawn to the human heart and mind. Psychology is a great topic of interest for me. Although I cannot see myself becoming a psychologist, that is not a realistic confine, because it is such a large field and can be implemented into several careers; even those that have nothing relevant with psychology at all.

I just find myself questioning, analyzing, learning more about myself as I think and unpack these recent thought processes and changes in correlation with my recent experiences. It is an intriguing thing, and I believe it can truly make me stronger theologically as well. Something neat to dwell on.

Meanwhile, I still aspire to become involved with photojournalism of sorts in Israel… and I have looked into wonderful programs in Tel-Aviv which I can attend for this purpose.

It is my dream to live in an urban studio apartment in Tel-Aviv, one of the most ethnically diverse cities of the Middle East, literally right on the Mediterranean coastline attending school and making a new home. This invades my hopeful thoughts more than not, but I am weary on dwelling how I can afford this financially and cognitively.

But there is hope.

With a lot of work, I can summon the financial requirements for this journey. I am beginning to pick up on Hebrew much more quickly than I have before; a scholastic stalemate I have battled since my reluctant self-motivated lessons I began back in March, I can now read (though not yet decipher the vocabulary) of the alphabet. I am gaining more support from my family, but I am losing many friends in this process. They do not seem to understand my motivation, and many of them are Christian, and see that I am “not” any longer.

This once bothered me, but it does not stall me anymore. To each their own, and my friends have a right to focus on their own busy lives while I go about mine; I understand the burdens of seeing and trying to understand such a change in someone else while ascertaining their own path.

I say that I don’t know where this choice I have made will lead me, but it is impossible for me to regret it. This is what I desire, and this is who I am, I just need to keep my options open.

Now look at this photograph above. I feel a profound sense of liberation and peace when I look at this photo. It is of a group of Buchenwald concentration camp survivors looking from their refugee ship at sea toward Haifa, now a major port city in modern Israel.

It is photographs like this I can only stare at and place my prospects in the eyes of those men. They have felt hell; they may have had their souls torn out. They stare into the pit of Arab-occupied land, and know with an uncertain outcome the conflict and struggles that lie ahead. But they return to paradise in full determination; no regret and complete courage, eager to risk everything for their homeland and second chance at life.

To live on is not an easy thing to do, and it is met with fierce resistance. Life is a war. But every person knows in their heart where their peace lies, and we cannot be deceived of that knowing; only tried, beaten, starved and rearmed.

HaShem fights for my heart, and it will not fall to the attack of any selfish decoy, ever again. Guard yours vigilantly day and night and let patience guide your every yearning! Offense is what we strive to avoid, and justice is the vanguard to peace. Be just in your decisions; know what you deserve, and never compromise for anything less than such.

This has been a bloody lesson in transit, and I wish I could prevent anyone from making the same mistake as I have. But looking as it is these days, it seems that damn-near everyone has. Knowledge can scar, but if it is applied correctly, and if coalesced with patience, peace can be the only outcome.

Do not fall before anyone but G-D. Even my own mind and heart does not see it fit this way, and I rebel against it to this day in a fit for truth.

Yet what else is there but to fight, to wait, to endure and to pray? When there is nothing but adversaries outside of your walls, and when the heart is not as strong? This is the best option.

My home is seven-thousand miles away, and no one here agrees with that but for one woman in Ohio, a recent friend I have made here, and I. Surely my parents appear to sometimes support this, but I feel like they have no choice and that it is an obligation.

To my own dreams and purpose I am a foreigner. What do I have to counter Ruach Olam who knows me from my fierce internal passions to the abrasive outward armor? Nothing, for I am in His image. I will fight for my heart, and return to my Love.

This is the growing perception, purpose, and prospect I apprehend on life. Life is incredible; it is of His breath.

We cannot look back on the trail we have already walked. We place our eyes on the faraway miles past and imagine what it is like there, if we were to be there. Unless you have the intention for regression, or you are not where you want to be, do not look back. Life can be a maze, or it can be an aligned trek. Where is your heart? Where do you want it to be? Now, why are you reminiscing in the wrong places?

Laila Tov


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