I close the wooden blinds behind the couch I rest on to retain the light of the living room’s lampshade and blot out the cold tremors of blustering wind and barren sights.
I had just eaten McDonald’s from a late night drive thru run my dad made to feed my bed-ridden mother, who is enduring terrible back pains from a condition we are all discovering.
Following work in the early afternoon, I took a long nap and did not feel well emotionally, and decided to sleep off the depression until I eventually called out to HaShem to fight for me the pestilence that repressed my spirit. I slowly mustered motivation and crawled out from under the warm blanket caused by my own body heat; well after dark, I moved downstairs.
I am recognizing the shock of change, and I counter my life’s recent challenges with a hint of uncertainty. Will specific obstacles be able to obstruct my current route? Most definitely. This is why it is vital to abide complete trust in HaShem, no matter where I go in this life; in the end, it will only be Him.
I am blessed beyond recognition. I have a home, family, strong passions and a deadset aim. I am healthy, consorted, challenged and strong. But in the traverse sea of such abundance, I recognize the discontentment of humanity daily, especially at my job. I recognize it in myself. My home is far out of reach, it would seem, but I know this is a lie of the morning star. Far or not, it is not a death march; home is not out of reach.
Satan contorts our contemporary battles and losses to display them as our eternal conditions. This is the only theological theory I have for the problem with contentment, or lack thereof. The more time I spend on this thought though, the more selfish I truly feel. Who am I to say I am unhappy with as much terror and suffering there exists in the world? This is where my hard-faced mentality kicks in and I ride out the uncertainties with avoidance and feigning trust in G-D. But the question, it always returns. The disputes surface again and again.
I am not where I want to be.
I look at my life. I look at the resilient and difficult times I thought I was never going to be able to break, and I feel the immense joys of liberation and happiness that prevailed with endurance. I see the depression, the anger state, the quiet stage, and the radical resolutions. This time of my life is a depression, and a time when I feel my soul is being repressed and pushed down from its true potential. I have several personal challenges right now that need breaking, including myself.
And I pray HaShem, guide my mind through the dark. Let this be an awe-inspiring war of Your will.
I feel stripped and cold, but the Love of You will keep my brazen heart heated, like the glow of hot metal; a furnace in the blizzard.
I feel Your promise in the darkest dwellings of my fissured being; I laud You with increasing praise.
You created my heart, and You know it, and will conquer me despite the evil one’s perverse longing.
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
12:15 משלי (Mishlei/Proverbs)