Carry His Light

Winter is coming again.

I can smell it, see it, hear it, feel it; even emotionally. It is a time of year I would introspectively say is my favorite… but there are unique calibers about each season that give them a special recognition and sentimentality in my mind. Especially memories.

Today, I went with my father and sister to my great-grandparents’ to meet with family and dine at Applebee’s. During most of the time, I sat in my tiredness trying to figure out how to upload Hebrew characters onto my phone’s touch-screen keyboard, and listening to my family speak in their warm home, luminescent in hushed comfort.

I am more observant than talkative.

Looking up to older adults gives me hope. It warms my heart to hear my great-grandfather joke with my elementary-aged sister with a bright smile squeezing together his cheeks and lips, and it was a treat to relax my thoughts and chat with such family that I do not have the privilege of seeing often.

It was a quiet, fast, darkening day today, full of comfort and nostalgic promise following the bright sundown. But along with all memories, there surely will be pain.

Not looking forward to spending this winter in reclusion, I understand that it is important to continue in confiding my heart and soul with HaShem. He comprehends each thought and feeling I endure, exceeding beyond my own interpretation. I gladly take up His calling in a place far from here, and know that with His leadership, my soul will be brought to contentment and peace and wisdom as I have always dreamed.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to You.

139:11-12 תהלים (Tehillim/Psalms)

Tonight, I dream before losing my consciousness to the solace of sleep.

I dream of my wife; unknown, far away. I harbor many regrets in my mind and heart that I want to pour out and sanction before I am able to forgive myself with her. But looking beyond that temporary veil, life is beautiful. It is a war worth fighting, and I fight with a smile and holy pride. How can I encourage myself, when I have the Name most High to carry my every step? Loneliness will turn against a man, but the greatest struggle the enemy bends in averse to us, the greater the need comes out for the One Who wants us. Don’t make your own light, but carry His.

Be encouraged, and strong, and fight every day.

Laila Tov


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